“Does my asshole look as nice as his?” I asked my girlfriend.

Unsure if I’d been heard, I repeated the question.

Her silence said more than words ever could.

Learning you don’t have a cute asshole is like dying. You know it will happen someday, but you never think it will happen so soon.

There were roughly 100 of us in the room that day. All watching a petite, blonde, athletic looking woman take the pounding of a lifetime from a strapping bald man with an exceptionally shiny head. That’s Amsterdam for you though. It’s not just affordable weed and expensive prostitutes.

It’s also sex shows.

And if you like learning your asshole isn’t nearly as cute as you thought it was, then these sex shows are for you.

What to expect at a live sex show in Amsterdam

There’s a collective fascination when a room full of people pay €50 to watch 90 minutes of live sex. Once you’ve settled in you’ll go through the THREE stages of sex show enjoyment. 

Here’s what to expect.

Stage #1 – Excitement

Hey, those people are naked!

Despite having been naked thousands of times in your life, there’s an instant thrill seeing naked bodies up close. You might feel awkward at first as your brain reminds you it’s a societal norm to wear clothes.

Give it a few minutes to process what you’re seeing. Yes, that is a penis. Yes, it looks bigger than yours. Make peace with it and move on.

Once you’re settled in and accustomed to the copious amounts of flesh, you can start to enjoy the experience. You’ll feel your heart racing and your palms clam up as the performers on stage find their rhythm. And is that an erection in your pants?!

Oh, no, sorry. Just your phone.

In all honesty, you won’t get an erection because of all the stimuli around you. It’s hot for sure, but there’s too much going on for your libido to connect with everything. It’s like throwing multiple tennis balls at a golden retriever. It’s all just too much.

Don’t worry if these distractions keep you from getting 100% turned on. You’ll still enjoy the experience in a more intimate way than watching porn.

This isn’t like walking in on your friends at a party and catching a few seconds of sex. You don’t have to flee in shame. The performers on stage are baring it all — and they want you to watch them fuck.

This is the excitement stage.

Thought #2 – Distraction

Every excitement is someone else’s boredom.

Ride enough roller coasters and the thrill wears off. Sitting in the crowd at a commercial sex show is the same (only less screaming children and vomiting).

The excitement stage lasts roughly 10–20 minutes. Then distraction kicks in.

Part of the speed at which you get distracted comes from the way we consume porn as a society. According to Pornhub’s 2019 insights, the average porn site visit is a mere 10 minutes and 28 seconds.

If that’s all the time we spend watching porn per session, it’s no surprise the excitement stage wears off so quickly.

By this stage you could draw the penis on stage with your eyes closed. And unlike your personal sex life, where your partner has the common decency to fake pleasure, the performers on stage do not.

They’ve done this a thousand times. And it shows. If Elon Musk makes any more progress on AI, this is how his robot army will make sweet, robotic love.

From here it won’t take long for your mind to leave the realm of the salacious and land in distraction. For example:

  • Who cleans the stage when the sex ends?
  • Have the performers ever pulled a muscle during the act?
  • Is there an understudy in the wings nursing a massive erection?
  • Do their sex lives suffer in the same way I don’t want to eat a big, German sausage after a day working at the local butcher?

You think you’ll stay connected to the experience. You think you’ll be turned on and savouring every moment. But you won’t.

This is the distraction stage.

Thought #3 – Liberation

As the couple on stage play hide the sausage, you’ll fall into the third and most interesting thought— liberation.

The first part of your sex show journey has been the desire to gobble up as much as you can. There’s no social stigma against staring at the woman or man on stage.

No matter how attractive you think someone is at the beach or on the street, it’s frowned upon to stare at their genitals. But here, it’s open season. And for the first 2/3 of the show you’ll study whatever junk you’re attracted to with laser focus.

Only suddenly…you won’t.

From here you’ll start to see sex in a holistic way. It becomes very far away and very small — almost like you’re studying it through a magnifying glass. This distance puts sex in a new light.

You’ll stop to ask yourself ‘why am I here?’.

Around 46% of people admit to being into voyeurism — or watching other people have sex. But why?

What’s driving you to pay money to watch two people fuck? You don’t feel full when you’re hungry and watch someone eat dinner. So why are you in a room full of people, silently watching a sex show?

Turns out you might have your ancestors to blame.

American author Christoper Ryan believes sex was a more communal event in our early history. In his book, Sex at Dawn, he points out the way human testicles are designed to unload an ungodly amount of sperm. He suggests this amount was needed to cope with equally large loads from competing males.

A sort of arms race. But for semen.

Fast forward 100,000 years. That desire to watch and remain connected to others having sex is still strong. You need only look at the 42 billion visits to Pornhub in 2018 as evidence. That’s roughly 6x the earth’s population.

Sex is about reproduction, sure. Sex is about pleasure, absolutely.

But when you pay to watch a sex show, one thing becomes clear. Fucking runs pretty fucking deep in our collective DNA.
This realization is liberating.

It’s a nice, simple reminder that we’re all horny deep down. So there’s no need to feel shame about the things you like or the people you like to do those things to.

And certainly no reason to shame others for their choices.

This is the liberation stage.

A pleasurable conclusion

I didn’t attended this sex show because I wanted to. I did it to pass on valuable lessons to you.

No, that is a lie. Sorry. I did it for myself.

AND I’D GO BACK AGAIN!

Sex is something we all (try to) do it. Turns out it’s pretty damn enjoyable to watch someone else do it too.

Not so enjoyable you’ll get an erection. But enough to make you go “hmmm I bet I could do that” when the performers do something you absolutely cannot do.

Just be prepared to learn your asshole isn’t as cute as you thought.

Oh, and don’t try and replicate the moves when you get home without stretching first.

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